My ADHD Story

“Your doctor is wrong.”

That was what my daughter said to me when I reported back that my doctor did not see an ADHD diagnosis for me. Paige, now a full-fledged adult in her 30s, had recently been assessed for ADHD and her diagnosis was confirmed. As I was helping her with her assessment questions - it helps to have someone familiar with your childhood experience recall behaviors and patterns - it became clear that what Paige had experienced as a child, so had I. And what Paige was experiencing as an adult - decision paralysis, need for validation, becoming overwhelmed by stimuli - were ever-present in my adult life as well. Having developed a lifetime of coping mechanisms, I truly never had any idea that my internal struggles were something beyond the quirks of a sensitive child that grew into a sensitive adult.

She was so adamant that I go back to my doctor to reassess, that I heeded her push and asked again. The main reason my doctor did not initially pursue the assessment with me is that I was good in school. The myth that kids with ADHD are loud and busy and bad at school, had more weight than the more subtle and overlooked symptoms of ADHD, especially in girls. It’s true: I was a good student, absolutely loved school and learning, and I did well academically. In hindsight, I think my academic success was a result of my ability to hyper-focus and served as my constant dopamine generator. Learning was my fix.

Luckily, my doctor has no problem being wrong, and after some exploratory discussions, we decided to try a low dose of Rx to see if it would be beneficial. If ADHD was present, we would know. Needless to say, I had no idea my mind could experience the sense of peace I felt when the constant chatter and pinging energy of my brain went quiet. I had never experienced it before, so how could I know it was an option?

The difference was startling. Exciting. Thrilling, even! My thoughts were queueing up politely, waiting their turn instead of jostling for front row space. I was able to pause (!) before responding to someone long enough to determine which of my thoughts, if any, should be expressed out loud. A pause! I was able to watch a movie without also simultaneously web-surfing, coloring, planning something, or what-have-you. My brain was still able to multi-task, it just didn’t need to anymore. My constant note-taking subsided. I trusted myself to remember important details - and forgetting something no longer felt like a life or death scenario.

And so much started to make sense. My mom still likes to say I don’t have an “off button.” This never made sense to me before because I always felt a bit like a slug, slow and drowsy, an introverted reader and dreamer who felt most comfortable exploring the world on my own. But now I get it: I talk fast, eat fast, walk fast, think fast. My brain has always moved faster than the rest of me and sometimes, well, it has gotten me into trouble, often without understanding why.

To help explain the difference between my experience pre-meds and post-meds, before, I could see all the dimensions of a situation, just not all at once. Imagine watching a 3D movie without the special 3D glasses: you can see the different dimensions, and can likely recognize the objects being depicted but they aren’t lined up for a clear view. Now pop on those 3D glasses: A-ha! There it is: all three dimensions lined up to create something whole, and clearly visible. Another analogy is that before, I had all the tools I need but they are kept in different toolboxes, and I don’t always have the right tool at the right time. Now, all my tools are in the same toolbox - and accessible to me whenever I need one, or any combination of tools. They are all right there.

I’d love to hear from you about your ADHD story - there’s so much to learn and I am excited to continue the journey. with my daughter, and with all of you. - SK